


Last Christmas

by Publisher021



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Christmas, Christmas Music, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, Inspired by Music, M/M, No Fluff, Songfic, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:08:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21922681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Publisher021/pseuds/Publisher021
Summary: 'tis the season to be jolly, he knows that, except this time of year had been anything but. Christmas hasn't been the same since last year, and it's killing him on the inside. Maybe it's karma for hurting Steve the way he did last Christmas.*Inspired by Wham's "Last Christmas".
Relationships: Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	Last Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Capsicle2013](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capsicle2013/gifts).



> So this fic was purely self indulgent and I saw the prompt on Tumblr. Basically it was a picture of Tony in the gorgeous suit he was wearing in AoU where he was holding a flute of champagne with a few lines of text saying "Falling + heartache and Last Christmas?" and I knew I had to write the prompt. Even though I have so many things to do and so little time, I gave myself six days to finish it, although six days was cutting it a little too close, and I needed to crunch down on the amount of time spent writing this prompt. So I finished it in less than two days.

He knows he has absolutely no right, no right at all, to feel as hurt as the way that he's feeling right now. And maybe hurt isn't the way to describe the way he's feeling, although hurt is _one_ of the emotions that seems to be playing a game with him right now.

The feeling, if he's describing it correctly, and if the alcohol that's burning its way down his throat is anything to go by, then he's feeling kind of empty. And numb.

And lonely. God is he lonely.

All of his friends abandoned him. No wait, their excuses were that it's the holiday season, and "I'm sorry, Tony, but I haven't seen my family in ages. I promised them that I'll spend Christmas with them this year."

So far he's feeling pretty lonely because at least four people in his social circle left for their family's homes. And at least two of those messages sounded as if they were copied and pasted into the conversation before they'd left. So he thinks it's safe to say that maybe they've finally cracked and gotten so annoyed with him that they felt the need to leave.

He understands that Sam and Clint need to leave to be with their own families, and he and Sam weren't that close, anyway, but he kinda expected Rhodey and Pepper to tell him that they were leaving at least two weeks before. Give him some time to adjust and plan so that he doesn't look like he's alone and wallowing in his own self-pity.

Guess he's ruined those friendships too, then.

Last Christmas was pretty shitty, too.

He remembers it like it was yesterday, and he hates that what he remembers the most clearly of all from that night is the hurt that shone in Steve's beautiful blue eyes. And yes, those eyes of his were amazing to look at, were even more amazing when he decided to grace you with his attention. They were so expressive.

And he loved them. He supposes that he loves them because it's Steve, and he loves everything about Steve, so that's not really something to point out.

But he remembers those blue eyes. How, at first, they shone with love, looked so innocent and hopeful, and at the end how they shone with tears and hurt.

He hates that he was the one to put that hurt there.

As for last Christmas, he can't help but hate how accurate George Michael was when he was writing the song.

He hates the way he seems to croon the words even as he's singing about his Christmas heartache. Who the hell croons when singing about their heartache?

Wait, scratch that, who the hell even sang about their heartache? He certainly never wanted to write a song about how he was feeling, much less about how he hurt Steve.

_"Last Christmas I gave you my heart_

_But the very next day you gave it away_

_This year, to save me from tears_

_I'll give it to someone special"_

It's pathetic how he's relating to someone who's dead. He hated that he's even sitting here in his lab, drinking stale coffee (why the hell was he sober for this?) and listening to this stupid song in the first place. And really, it's not as if he was the one who 'gave' his love away to anyone.

So why the hell was he feeling this way? If anything, the one who should be as upset about this whole clusterfuck should be Steve, since he was the one who had his heart rejected and then stomped on.

Also, the fact that George Michael was singing about how his ex just used him as some sort of emotional crutch hit a little too close to home for him. Steve didn't trust him anymore. Couldn't even look at him properly when they were together for any amount of time. He basically ridiculed Steve.

And _there_ he was, analysing the song and tearing it apart, comparing it to the Christmas situation with Steve last year.

He can't help but chuckle bitterly, taking another swig of coffee from the pot. It was cold but he was too lazy to get up and fix another pot.

Maybe he deserved this.

Wait, who the fuck was he kidding? He definitely deserves this for breaking Steve's heart.

***

_"You gonna come back inside, Capsicle? I'd hate to tell the rest of the team that their leader has turned back into an icicle," Tony joked._

_Steve rolled his eyes._

_"Are you ever going to stop calling me that, Tony? I have a name, you know."_

_Tony smirked. "Course I will, Capsicle. Just not tonight."_

_Steve sighed. Maybe he realised that arguing with Tony was a moot point. Tony did whatever he wanted._

_"Fine. Can I help you with anything, then, Tony? Or are you going to annoy me even more? Or maybe there was a point to you joining me outside?" Steve sounded like he was asking Tony a question, and Tony, well, Tony was a little bit affronted, actually._

_Was that all that Steve thought of him? That he wouldn't want to spend time with Steve and that his main job in life was to annoy him?_

_"Actually, Barnes was looking for you. And the bird guy. You know, the one who flies around in my wings? Yeah, him. But I have to admit that I'm kind of hurt here, Steve. I thought we were friends. Am I not allowed to join you?" Tony asked, faux hurt. He put a hand dramatically to his chest, startling a laugh out of Steve._

_Tony grinned._

_"His name is Sam Wilson, Tony. I know you know that. Not bird guy. And if I remember, you gave Sam his wings. Even upgraded them so they were better than the old ones," Steve said drily._

_Tony held up his hands in mock surrender. "Okay, okay! You got me there, Spangles. So, what are you doing out here in the cold? And by yourself, no less. I thought at least Robocop or bird guy would be with you. You seem pretty friendly with them," Tony said._

_Steve rolled his eyes again, although his look of frustration seemed to be cracking because his lips were doing that thing where he was struggling not to laugh or smile. Which, by the way, Tony loves._

_He seems more human when he does that. Less… stoic._

_"Bucky and I aren't joined by the hip, Tony. And Sam seems to be real friendly with Colonel Rhodes, too."_

_"Who said anything about being joined at the hip? You said it, not me," Tony held his hands up once more in surrender, a teasing smile gracing his lips._

_Steve shook his head, a low chuckle escaping his mouth._

_"Yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes I come out here to think. It's quiet. Good place to think, you know?" Steve said, shoving his hands into his pockets._

_Tony watched as Steve looked out to the city below, leaning against the balcony. He was actually enjoying Steve's company._

_"Yeah, I get it. If the night's clear you can sometimes make out a few stars," Tony said, gesturing to the telescope he'd installed on the huge balcony._

_Steve smiled at him and then went back to gazing at the city._

_And that's when he decided to spoil the good mood._

_"Hey, look at what we have here. Mistletoe. Frankly, I blame, Barton. He seems to be on some sort of mission. So far he's managed to get Bruce and Natasha under the mistletoe. And your dynamic duo of sidekicks. Barnes wasn't too happy about that. Come to think of it, neither was Wilson, but you know, it's all a bit of holiday fun and games. Guess it's our turn now, right? God, I hope Barton doesn't catch us," Tony said._

_He raised an eyebrow, almost challenging Steve._

_"So, are you gonna plant one on me?"_

_Why the hell was he rambling? Also, why didn't he just keep his stupid mouth shut?_

_Steve looked up at him, startled. His gaze flickered up to the mistletoe that was hanging from one of the branches that grew from the potted trees on either side of the doorway to him nervously._

_"Tony, I - no. It's - why?" Steve seemed at a loss for words, fumbling over them in a way that seemed both adorable and endearing. Well, to him at least. Steve was pretty cute like this._

_"Come on, Cap. It's just a little fun. Besides, it's not a real kiss, anyway."_

_Steve bit his lip and looked away._

_Tony frowned slightly before grinning, moving closer to Steve._

_"Well, now we're completely under the mistletoe. You know the rules, Cap. Gotta follow 'em, right?"_

_Steve looked down at him and Tony couldn't help but feel his breath hitch. God but Steve's eyes were amazing. Scratch that. Steve looked amazing._

_Guess he never really had anything else to say - or think - because that's when he decided it was a good idea to stop taunting Steve and just decided to plant one on him._

_Except, it didn't work._

_Steve seemed as though he was finally waking up. He put a hand on Tony's waist and pulled him closer, kissing him properly this time._

_And really, had he been missing out all this time on kissing Steve? If this is what kissing Steve was like then he never wanted to stop. But needs must and all that and all too soon he needed to breathe. He grinned._

_"Wow, Steve. Never knew you had it in you." Steve looked amazing, lips all kiss-swollen and eyes dark blue._

_"Tony, I -"_

_"Yeah, Steve. It was great."_

_Tony frowned when he saw the look of frustration on Steve's face._

_"What? Was it that bad? You know, other people would kill to kiss me. Here you had the chance but you're -" Tony joked but was cut off by Steve._

_"I love you. I have for a while and -"_

_Tony pulled away._

_"Steve, not that I don't think you're a great kisser. 10/10 and all that, would definitely do it again but I think you might've had a bit too much of Thor's mead. You're not thinking straight, buddy," Tony clapped Steve on the back, turning around to head back inside._

_Tony heard Steve make a frustrated sound and turned to look at him again._

_"Just, for once, could you please stop joking? I'm actually being serious, Tony," Steve pleaded._

_Tony frowned._

_"Cap, you're a catch and everything, but this? It's never going to work out. Look, it was a mistake coming out here. We'll pretend it never happened and both go back inside to open presents, okay?"_

_That was the moment when he felt like the most shittiest person alive. He hated that he had to be the one to point it out, but if he didn't want to be hurt, then he was the one that had to do the hurting._

_And that was what happened._

_He saw it in the way that Steve's whole posture changed. The way his blue eyes seemed to turn all confused and hurt, shining with tears. Or maybe it was a trick of the light and Steve's eyes brightened in anger at the thought of being rejected._

_But deep down, Tony knew that he had made a grave mistake and that Steve was extremely hurt._

_But see, the thing is, he and Steve really wouldn't have worked out. He had to be the noble one. Steve deserved someone better, someone that could make him happy._

_That someone wasn't him._

_Despite having hurt him, Steve still managed to smile at him. And if that wasn't what made him feel even more shitty, then the way Steve walked away from him most certainly was._

_"Sure, Tony. It was just a mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. Thor's mead is a little too strong for me," Steve said._

_To his ears, the excuse was weak, flimsy._

_But all that he said was "Yeah", in return._

*** 

Sometimes he replays their shared kiss on the balcony and wonders what it would be like now, exactly a year later, if he had told Steve he felt the same, if he hadn't been the one to hurt Steve. Would they be together, then?

He regrets it like he regrets most things in his miserable life.

And okay, maybe all of the things he's done in his life aren't miserable, but it sure feels that way when Steve can't even look him in the eye.

Just the other day he and Steve had been alone in the elevator on the way to the boardroom where the rest of the team were waiting to start a meeting and they hadn't shared a single word between them.

After, when the doors opened up to the floor where the boardroom was, it had hurt seeing Steve practically flee the elevator and he had to swallow against the lump in his throat.

When Steve did talk to him in that boardroom that day, it was in his 'Cap voice', discussing strategies and plans.

And then the meeting was over and he had to watch Steve leave with Barnes and Wilson, laughing with them at something stupid Barnes seemed to be showing them on his cellphone.

It felt a lot like regret and jealousy when he watched them leave because that was something he wanted. He wanted Steve to joke around with him, talk to him, be around him, laugh with him, and yet, Steve couldn't even stand to be around him.

It basically summed up the entire year after their kiss. Steve couldn't - _hadn't_ said or done anything with him since that kiss.

He opened his eyes, ignoring the blurriness and telltale stinging before muttering a muffled curse.

He got up and dumped the rest of the disgusting coffee down the sink and stumbled over to his workbench, slumping into his chair and reached blindly for his phone.

"JARVIS, send Rhodey and Pepper a voice message. Tell them I say enjoy the holidays, and send your family my greetings. Tell them to - tell them to stay longer, god knows they need a vacation."

"As you wish, Sir, is there anything else you wish to tell them?" JARVIS asked and he chuckled bitterly.

Sometimes his AI was too goddamn smart.

"No, JARVIS. Just that."

In the background, fucking George Michael was still singing his woes away and, in a fit of frustration and disappointment, he threw a spanner in the air, hitting the wall opposite his workbench.

"JARVIS, shut that off, now. And fire up the suit. Daddy needs some time to think," he said, getting out of his chair.

The suit assembled around his body and in less than a minute he felt his head clear significantly and it felt as though he could breathe easier.

The glass panel that doubled as a large window slid open and he flew out.

*** 

The little flight he took around the city really helped. He felt a lot better after it, and if the wind roaring around his closed helmet was all that he needed to feel better about this whole crappy situation, then he knew that he'll be taking a whole lot more flights in the near future.

The landing platform on the roof helped him out of his suit and he couldn't help but shiver. After all, he was only in his flight suit with a pair of jeans thrown over for some form of decency.

As the window leading to the common room slid open, he was immediately drawn to the two figures sitting on the sofa in front of the flatscreen.

Well, his night certainly wasn't boring, that's for sure.

What he wouldn't do for a goddamn drink right now. But he promised himself and he promised Steve that he wouldn't. It was better for the team if he wasn't drinking. 

Didn't mean his hands weren't twitching or his eyes didn't glance over to the empty bar area a few times.

He took a deep breath and exhaled, then walked to the kitchen, heading straight for the coffee machine and hoped that Steve and Barnes didn't notice him.

"Hey, Stark! You wanna watch with us?" Bucky called, pausing the movie they were watching.

He sighed, turning around and shot them a grin. "Nope, thanks. I'm good. Just came to get a fresh pot of coffee, then I'll be out of your hair," he said, resuming his coffee making and purposefully not looking at Steve.

He kept his movements careful and hoped that they wouldn't see how his hands had started to shake.

"Actually, Steve and I were goin' to head out to this little café I found a couple 'a days ago. We were gonna leave afta the movie but why don't you come with us? They have great coffee," Barnes said, looking to Steve for confirmation.

Steve looked at Bucky for a second before looking at him.

"Yeah. It's up to Tony though." 

Steve didn't exactly sound enthusiastic.

If anything, his voice didn't relay any of what he was feeling and it was hard to get a read on Steve.

Bucky turned to look at him, waiting for a response.

And, because he was a masochist and a sucker for pain, he agreed to go with.

Bucky grinned, whooping as he jumped off the sofa and ran to the elevator, presumably to fetch his coat. Well, he got that from what little he could make out of Bucky's brooklyn drawl. It was always hard to make out what he was saying whenever he got excited.

And then he and Steve were left alone.

In silence.

Neither of them said anything and he couldn't help but wish that he'd find the courage to say something, anything to Steve.

To tell him how he felt and how sorry he was.

The silence wasn't awkward, wasn't even tense because Steve didn't even make an effort to say anything to him, just gave him a tiny smile and pulled out his phone, shooting off a text to someone before pocketing the device once again.

"You okay, Tony?" Steve asked, and just like that it felt as if whatever little composure he had, had broken. Cracked.

Steve sounded exactly like he did before, and it was so unfair.

He swallowed thickly, smiling at Steve. "Yeah. Fine."

They were saved from saying anything else to one another when Barnes walked in.

The walk to the café was spent in conversation. Or rather, Barnes spoke and Steve laughed, while he tried to make what little conversation he could without seeming like a total idiot.

Not that his little act was working. Barnes seemed to catch on earlier at the tower and kept on giving him and Steve weird looks when he thought Steve wasn't looking.

The café itself was rather attractive and charming. It had a warm, cosy feel to it. It was decorated with a few paintings here and there, and in the front of the café, they had a large variety of cakes to choose from.

They chose a table near the window and sat down, Steve on one side and Barnes, surprisingly, sat down next to him.

They hadn't even sat down for ten minutes when a waitress asked them for their orders, giving each of them a bright smile and didn't even blink twice when she realised who they were.

She left and returned with their coffees, leaving them with another smile and a request to call her if they wanted anything else.

The conversation between them was light, and when it seemed like he couldn't possibly talk anymore, Barnes intervened, telling them about all the stupid things he's walked in on Sam and Clint doing. 

It mostly worked, but only because he kept on looking out the window to avoid looking at Steve whenever the blond smiled or laughed at the ridiculous antics of his two teammates.

The bell above the door to the café rang as the door opened and he didn't look up. 

He did, however, look up when he heard someone call Steve's name. He turned to look and when he did, he saw a pretty blonde standing in front of the table.

"Hi, Steve. Did you order anything for me?"

The woman smiled at Steve and bent down to give him a kiss on the cheek before sitting down next to him.

"Hi, Sharon. Sharon, you haven't met Tony yet. Tony, this is Sharon. Sharon, this is Tony," Steve introduced.

And with that, he felt his throat close up and it felt as if someone had ripped the rug out from beneath his feet.

"Hi! It's nice to meet you, Tony," Sharon said, extending her hand out to him.

He smiled weakly at her, pumping her hand.

"Hi, Sharon. Sorry, I- Need to leave. Just remembered that I have- Pepper sent me a few documents that I have to sign before eight. I need to leave. It was nice meeting you, Sharon. Sorry," he rambled, hastily standing up and almost tripping over his own feet before Barnes pulled his chair in.

He couldn't look at their confused faces, focused solely on getting out of the café that seemed as if it was closing in on him.

He practically ran for the door and didn't look back once, walking until he was at least a block away and leaned against a wall, sinking down to the floor.

His eyes burned and it was only then that he realised that he was crying.

Steve had moved on.

_"Last Christmas I gave you my heart_

_But the very next day you gave it away_

_This year, to save me from tears_

_I'll give it to someone special_

_Once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye_

_Tell me baby, do you recognize me?_

_Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me_

_"Merry Christmas" I wrapped it up and sent it_

_With a note saying "I love you", I meant it_

_Now I know what a fool I've been_

_But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again."_

**Author's Note:**

> So if this isn't what you were expecting, I have to apologise, although I feel as though all of my fics are fluffy and have little to no angst, so I decided to change it up. This does not mean that I have forgotten about my Whumptober prompts, I just wanted to finish this first, and then carry on with my Whumptober prompts and then the rest of my WIP's
> 
> Please tell me what you guys think.


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